Flourishing in Every Way

My husband, being the nostalgic guy that he is, loves sending me random pictures of our past together. Some are from our Spain trip (I want to live there someday), and others are from our honeymoon.

However, most recently, he sent me snapshots of our dating conversation from when we were still talking on the apps. Yes, my husband and I met online, and honestly, we’re proud of it.

I met him at 29, but I started at 27. There are a few things I learned from online dating during those two years, and I’d love to pass down that wisdom to those of you who are considering it or are currently on the apps.

I have five practical tips that’ll help you approach online dating with boundaries and integrity, but there is one highly recommended prerequisite before you even download the app.

The prerequisite

The prerequisite is simple, and it is this:

Know yourself and know what you’re looking for.

If you fulfill the prerequisite, it’ll keep you confident and save you from endlessly exploring all the options, which can quickly feel overwhelming. It’ll save you a lot of time and heartache. It’ll also save you from constantly asking yourself, what if there’s someone better?

The truth is, there will always be someone better. That’s why it’s so important to know what you’re looking for.

Once you know yourself and know what you’re looking for, consider these five tips.

1. Be thoughtful about creating your profile

This is probably the hardest part about online dating—creating your profile. Take some time and really think about it. Figure out how to describe yourself and put it into words. Turn it into a bonding activity with your friends. Make it sound fun. Make it sound like you. When someone reads your profile, you want them to think, wow this person actually put some thought into this.

Also, make sure to include what’s important to you. I wanted people viewing my profile to know that I was serious about Jesus, so I wrote that in my profile.

I love Jesus.

2. Connect with one person at a time

This one might be an unpopular opinion, and I know it’s tempting to want to connect with multiple people at once—I have too. It’s more fun, more exciting, and everything moves quickly. It’s efficient. I am the efficient queen, but I’ll say this: it’s simply not fair. You end up missing the human on the other side. Treat them like a person, not just another profile you hit like on.

It’s OK to connect with multiple people at once. I’m just saying don’t actively carry conversations with all of them at the same time. Once you connect with somebody and begin the back and forth chat, focus on that one person until you or they realize it’s not the right fit. If it develops into an actual in-person date, great. The rule here is simple: focus on one person at a time.

3. Step up your texting game

Consistent communication matters. If you are choosing to date in this season, make yourself available and respond to messages at a reasonable pace. No one wants to wait an entire day for a single message. If all you’re getting is one back and forth exchange per day, I don’t know if that conversation is worth pursuing. You should be able to have a naturally flowing conversation throughout the day with multiple back and forth exchanges. It should feel fun and easy. Don’t make it complicated. Just respond thoughtfully, keep up the pace, and allow the conversation to naturally lead to actual dates.

4. Rule out red flags before meeting in person

One of the things that was important to me was finding someone who was serious about their faith, and one outward expression of that was being planted in a healthy church community. This isn’t something you can easily tell from a profile, but you can usually figure it out before going on a first date.

I connected with multiple people who were transplants (people from out of state), and I would always ask whether they had found a community of some sort. Many times, they hadn’t. The usual narrative was that they had just moved, hadn’t found a community yet, and were looking to meet people. That wasn’t what I was personally looking for, so for me, it became a red flag. They might have been a great person and might’ve wanted to continue pursuing the conversation, but I knew it was best for me to draw the line there and move on.

If you know what you’re looking for, it becomes much easier to recognize those personal red flags early on.

5. Check for mutual friends

Finally, you’re chatting it up, and it’s going well. You’re interested, and he’s interested. Let the man ask you on a date. If an opportunity to go on an in-person date arises, check for mutual friends. Do all the Facebook and LinkedIn stalking. I always made sure there were mutual friends and that they were people of good influence. Also, ask your friends to check because they’ll usually have a different set of mutual connections.

To take it one step further, if there were any mutual friends that I felt comfortable reaching out to, I went ahead and pursued that conversation. With my husband, one of the sisters at my church was dating his younger brother (that was pretty crazy to find out but also so helpful), and she verified that he wasn’t a creep (lol).

If there are no mutual friends or you can’t find them on social media, you don’t have to turn down the date. Let’s just be safe about it. Meet at a place you’re familiar with, like a Starbucks you regularly go to, and let your friends know you’re going on this date.

Are you ready?

After multiple connections on the apps and five high potential in-person dates, the fifth date was with my now husband.

These five tips might feel a bit unconventional, but this is what I call dating with boundaries and integrity—protecting yourself while still treating each person with respect.

It’s healthy, safe, and gives you a better chance of meeting the right person.

I’ve done my part. Now, happy online dating!